Monty Panesar has admitted that he thought that he would never play for England again in the immediate aftermath of the Brighton nightclub scandal.
The left-arm spinner has been included in England's Ashes squad for the tour of Australia, but has confessed that he feared his international career was over earlier this year.
The 31-year-old was disciplined by his parent county Sussex and then overlooked by his country for the final Ashes Test of the summer for drunkenly urinating on a bouncer after being asked to leave a nightclub during an evening of partying in August.
"I know it looks terrible but I wasn't as drunk as people believe," he told the Daily Mail. "Yes, I'd had a lot to drink, but I wasn't paralytic. I was asked to leave and then got caught short. The next thing I knew the bouncers were shouting at me and running after me.
"I swear I didn't see them and I had no intention of purposefully urinating on them or near them. To be honest, I barely went at all and I'm pretty sure I didn't hit them.
"The next morning I woke up and thought, 'What have I done? 'My first reaction was that I'd just thrown my England career away, maybe even my whole cricket career. I felt very lonely and very depressed. It was a very dark time."
Panesar has taken 164 wickets at an average of 33.78 in his 48 Test matches.
